The Tri-Monster Movie Model

I tend to categorize all monster movies under one of three categories. Each category is complex and can't be easily described, however each category just so happens to have one of the 3 mega-monster movies of the past 30 years. Those movies are Jaws, Alien and Jurassic Park. These three monster movies and their first sequels are practically the only respected monster movies in the industry (by casual movie goers).

The Jaws Category

Terror strikes an unsuspecting town, city, village, the world, etc. Most of the characters are nameless, insignificant, and you'll likely find scenes where several people get killed at once. This is my least favorite category. Examples: Jaws, The Host, Eight Legged Freaks, Aliens vs Predator 2, Snakes on a Plane.

The Alien Category

An elite group of people find themselves in trouble and have to find a way to survive. The number of people ranges from about 4 to 12 and you at least know the names of everyone. This is my favorite category. Examples: Anacondas, Rogue, The Descent, The Thing, Alien.

The Jurassic Park: Lost World Category

This category is a bit of a mix of the two others. You have a significant group of characters but they are either dispersed or may include hordes of some insignificant characters. There's less order to the "boot-order" of the characters. Examples: King Kong, The Mist, Aliens, Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Starship Troopers.

Grizzly Park

It's Gonna Be A Bear. That's what the sub-text on the DVD says. I picked up one of the "Limited Edition" versions that has a glossy cardboard sleeve over the DVD case. I always hate those things. I believe that only great movies deserve a cardboard sleeve. I know they must be cheap to produce and they make the movie look better and therefore they probably rake in more dough- but still. A movie like Grizzly Rage does not deserve a fancy cardboard sleeve! Especially one as cool as the one on the Limited Edition. OH did I just call the movie Grizzly Rage? I meant Grizzly PARK. Grizzly Rage was that other bear movie. If you're interested in watching a bunch of young hotties run around the forest being ripped apart by a bear I definitely recommend Grizzly PARK and not Grizzly RAGE. The plots aren't exactly the same but they still feel like the same movie. The plot of Grizzly Park actually reminded me of See No Evil. A bunch of hooligans sent to do community service run into trouble and they all get killed (oops!) as karma bites them in the butt.

Synopsis: As part of a new rehabilitation program, eight unrepentant young adults must serve a week of community service in a remote California forest preserve known as Grizzly Park. Under the supervision of stalwart, no-nonsense Ranger Bob, this group of rotten-to-the-core bad apples is offered an opportunity to seek redemption on their journey through the woods. But while Ranger Bob seeks to provide both literal and spiritual guidance to the reluctant campers, an escaped serial killer with an insatiable bloodlust has also found his way into the park. As it happens, however, he's not the only lethal hunter on the loose...

The movie started out well and I actually found myself saying that it might not be too bad. Remember of course, I live for these types of movies so it doesn't take much to please me. There were many times where I seriously thought the movie would turn into a porno. I kept reminding myself that it said rated R for violence and gore; not nudity. Unfortunately the acting in this movie is very bad and the bear attacks are lame. Not as lame as the bear attacks in Savage Planet but close. I would say the attacks are better than they were in Grizzly Rage but you never actually see the bear attack in that movie! So as far as bear movies go Grizzly Park is definitely number two. Number one being The Edge which was an actual movie and actually frightening!



Which one of these characters survives? Click here for spoilers

First Victim: Ranger Mike. Jerry is the serial killer and when he gets Ranger Mike alone he puts a knife in him.

Second Victim: Jerry. The bear says "Hey that's my job!" and rips Jerry's head off.

Third Victim: KiKi. She sees a wolf, runs, gets chased [blood], [blood], dead.

Fourth Victim: Ty. He gets sprung up in a wolf trap. The bear comes along and has his way with Ty.

Fifth Victim: Scab. He gets high sniffing gasoline. He sees the bear and thinks its Trickster (Trickster just so happens to have a bear costume). But nope it's not Trickster.

Sixth Victim: Trickster. He tries to scare the others with his bear costume. Then the real bear runs up behind him and knocks Tricksters skull off.

Seventh Victim: Lola. She runs from the bear but the bear grabs her and rips her body in half. [intestines] [guts]

Eighth Victim: Ryan. Gets pulled out of a window by the bear.

Ninth Victim: Candy. The bear corners her in a little shack.

Tenth Victim: Bebe. She thinks she's the winner like this was Survivor (hahahahahahahahahahaha) and she plans to kill Ranger Bob. But then we learn Ranger Bob is actually a bear wrangler and has planned this whole massacre. Bebe then runs into the bear and he rips one of her implants out and tosses it.

Survivors: Ranger Bob and the Bear.

Hollow Man

Scientists discover a way to turn living creatures invisible. After a lot of success with primates they decide to test a human. Hollow Man becomes a moral story of what happens when you give man the supernatural ability to be invisible. He thinks he has it all because he can get away with whatever he wants, but this greed and destruction winds up pushing the things that matter in life away from him. Um, who fucking cares? This movie only bleeps on my radar because this man, Sebastian, goes insane and decides that no one can ever know he exists so he hunts down and kills his team one by one!

Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) is the brilliant, egotistical scientist leading the research and discovery on an invisibility serum. He still has feelings for Linda but she is over him.

Linda McKay (Elisabeth Shue) is a scientist and Sebastian's ex-girlfriend. Unbeknownst to Sebastian, Linda is currently sleeping with Matt.

Matthew Kensington (Josh Brolin) is a scientist.

Carter Abbey (Greg Grunberg) is an animal vet.

Sarah Kennedy (Kim Dickens) is an animal vet.

Frank Chase (Joey Slotnick) is a lab technician.

Janice Walton (Mary Randle) is a lab technician.

Who makes it out alive?

Not Janice. She's the first of the team to go when Sebastian strangles her (she's the last one credited, did you really think she had a chance?)

Not Carter. Sebastian slams his neck into a sharp steel beam.

Not Sarah. Sebastian tranquilizes her and then snaps her neck. He gets one final grope in too.

Not Frank. Sebastian impales him through the back with a rod.

Not Sebastian. While chasing Linda and Matt up the elevator shaft, Linda sends him down into the fiery pit below (it's a long story).

Survivors: Linda and Matt.

Hollow Man scores 0 points as a Survivor Movie

Alien Resurrection

Alien Resurrection is the 4th and final 'Alien' movie (not including any of the Alien vs Predator spin-offs). It's usually not given much respect due to hiding in the shadows of Alien and Aliens, but to me, it's actually my favorite of the saga. The story takes place many years after Alien 3. The star character, Ripley, is long dead and she took the alien species out with her. So now the plot in Alien Resurrection is to resurrect Ripley and somehow the alien that was living in her body before she died also comes back. I believe this is where most of you would roll your eyes and commit this movie to just being a bunch of rubbish, right? Ok, fair enough. As a regular movie there may be flaws, but as a Survivor movie Alien Resurrection gets it right!

Synopsis and cast: The crew on the spaceship Auriga is doing experimental work on cloning Ripley and studying the alien species she's hosting. After several failed attempts at cloning Ripley the scientists finally have some success and have a living alien to study. In order to generate more aliens, the scientists purchase a group of living human bodies in cryosleep. It takes a band of 6 smugglers to deliver such an illegal bounty to the scientists aboard the Auriga. This is where Elgyn and his misfit team aboard the Betty enter the scene. Once the scientists have multiple aliens cloned and matured all hell breaks lose; literally. The bulk of the movie becomes the crews of the Auriga and the Betty running, hiding, and being ripped apart from the aliens. Let the games begin!

Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is the infamous alien slayer who was killed in the previous movie but now cloned and back for more.



General Perez (Dan Hedaya) is the commanding officer of the Auriga and supervises the experiments to clone Ripley and study the Aliens.



Dr. Wren (J.E. Freeman) is one of several scientists onboard the Auriga involved in cloning Ripley and studying the Aliens.



Dr. Gediman (Brad Dourif) is another of the scientists involved in cloning Ripley and studying the Aliens.



Elgyn (Michael Wincott) is captain of the mercenary ship the Betty.




Call (Winona Ryder) is the newest crew member of the Betty.




Christie (Gary Dourdan) is the first mate and second in command of the Betty.




Hillard (Kim Flowers) is the assistant pilot of the Betty who is romantically involved with Elgyn.



Johner (Ron Perlman) is a mercenary and member of the Betty's crew.




Vriess (Dominique Pinon) is the disabled mechanic of the Betty.




Distephano (Raymond Cruz) is a soldier in the United Systems Military stationed onboard the Auriga.



Larry (Leland Orser) is one of several humans who have been kidnapped by the crew of the Betty while in cryosleep and delivered to the Auriga to serve as hosts for the Aliens.

Resurrection scores high as a Survivor movie because it's filled with shocking deaths, some WTF survivors, and multiple times where you think someone is dead but they're not.

Bootlist (spoilers)

(1) Dr. Gediman...when the aliens escape their cage through a hole in the floor they take Dr. Gediman with them. You assume he's dead but you later learn the aliens have saved him as a host (or food or something?) for the Queen.

(2) General Perez...under emergency evacuation, Perez commands his men to escape the ship through pods. Many soldiers die including Perez when an alien rips into the back of his skull.

(3) Elgyn...after the chaos of the evacuation, the smugglers from the Betty and several crew from the Auriga still remain on the ship. Out of nowhere an alien pulls Elgyn through the floor grate killing him.

(4) Hillard...distraught over losing Elgyn she struggles in the back of the pack when the remaining survivors have to swim through a flooded cooling tank. The storming aliens easily pick her off.

(5) Christie...while being chased up a ladder by an alien, Christie gets acid sprayed in his face. He's unable to continue and sacrifices himself to save Vriess, who due to being handicapped has been travelling on Christie's shoulders.

(6) Larry...they learn Larry is carrying an alien in his chest and plan to operate him once they escape. Before they can do this the alien hatches and Larry dies.

(7) Dr. Wren...When the alien bursts through Larry's chest it goes right through Dr. Wrens skull.

(8) Distephano...The final 5 make it aboard the Betty and are leaving when - Oops - an alien has snuck aboard and gets one final snack (Distephano) before Ripley kills it.

Survivors: Ripley, Call, Johner and Vriess

2001 Maniacs

One little gem of a survivor movie is the 2005 flop 2001 Maniacs. When I first saw 2001 Maniacs I quite enjoyed it. However, upon rewatching it recently to refresh my memory I realized that the movie is quite bad! The acting is far below average, the comedy is very American Pie-ish, and there isn't really any horror value. I can objectively take a step back and admit that this movie is pretty bad. But there's something about it that's endearing to me that I can't really explain (and no, it's not all the gratuitous nudity).

Synopsis: On the way to spring break, a group of college kids takes a detour through an old Southern town. The people of Pleasant Valley insist the kids stay for their annual barbecue celebration...but instead of getting a taste of the old South, the old South gets a taste of them!

That's a very cheesey synopsis. I can reword it to make the movie actually seem more interesting - without even making stuff up - this is actually what happens:

Better Synopsis: On the way down south for spring break, a group of college kids get lost and stumble upon, what appears to be, a Civil War re-enactment attraction. What they don't realize is that they are at an abandoned grave site for a small Southern town whose inhabitants were all slaughtered by the North during the Civil War. The supernatural locals take revenge upon the college yankees and will not let them leave alive.

My synopsis is a bit more spoilerish and could use some grammatical polishing but I think it sounds more interesting. If you like crude, racial and sexual humor (and can stomach awfully bad acting) then 2001 Maniacs may be up your alley. I will also say this movie is great for the methods in which the victims get killed!

Yankees:

Anderson Lee (Jay Gillespie)
"Ever hear of a 60 second romance? Got a minute?"




Nelson (Dylan Edrington)
"Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE civil war attractions?"




Cory (Matthew Carey)
"It was so wrong bro, but soo right. Southern style!"



Kat (Gina Marie Heekin)
"I'm Kat, as in pussy"



Joey (Marla Malcolm)
"Whenever you're finished you can come up for air."




Ricky (Brian Gross)
"You know what the only difference between a frat boy and a gay boy is? A 6 pack of beer."




Malcolm (Mushond Lee)
"When was the last time you been somewhere where there's no electricity, water, cable, or hot black bitches?"



Leah (Bianca Smith)
"I feel like we're at a confederate frat party"




Who dies and how (click)

First Victim: Kat. A southern boy gets kinky with Kat and ties her limbs to four horses. Whip, snap and splat her limbs get yanked off in each direction.


Second Victim: Nelson. Forced to drink some moonshine that is actually acid.



Third Victim: Leah. During a hoe-down, Granny Boone drops a giant bell on the "China woman"


Fourth Victim: Ricky. The bisexual yankee gets a spear rammed up his ass.



Fifth Victim: Cory. A southern belle (with jaws) performs some deadly oral on him.


Sixth Victim: Malcolm. Squished to death in a cotton press.



Final Victims: Anderson and Joey. They manage to escape on Malcolm's bike, but one last trap ends up slicing their heads off.


Survivors: None

Saw II

I loved Saw (number one). The twist at the end was probably one of my favorite movie twists of all time. The Saw movies in general are great just for the twists so long as you can stomach the grossness. And the amount of grossness only increases with each movie as the twist cleverness goes down, so.... What Saw 2 brings to the table, for me anyway, is the fact that it's the only Saw that classifies as a Survivor Movie. Eight people trapped in a booby-trap laden house have only 2 hours to live as they fight to survive. YES, YES, YES!

Synopsis: Jigsaw is back. The brilliant, disturbed mastermind returns for another round of horrifying life-or-death games. When a new murder victim is discovered with all the signs of Jigsaw's hand, Detective Eric Matthews begins a full investigation and apprehends Jigsaw with little effort. But for Jigsaw, getting caught is just another part of his plan. Eight more of his victims are already fighting for their lives and now it's time for Matthews to join the game...


Hello there. Play this video below and you will learn everything you need to know regarding who fails my little game, and who may survive to star in Saw 3.

Open Water 2

Open Water 2 is one of the best shark movies ever made! I'm serious. If you have any desire to see this movie then I recommend you do not continue to read my review because I won't be able to be completely spoiler free. The first Open Water movie will probably never wind up on this blog because, frankly, it's boring. Open Water 2 takes the premise of the first, triples the characters, quadruples the drama and then unfortunately removes one large element that leaves the movie exposed and vulnerable to critic attacks. By no means is this actually a "sequel"; it's just another movie with no connection to the first. Originally, it wasn't titled as a sequel, but due to its direct-to-DVD release they changed the name from, I believe, "Adrift" to "Open Water 2" in order to make more money. It was a very smart move that surprisingly I'm not upset over. I think it was ingenious. I am sure I am in the minority of viewers by saying this is a good shark movie. I completely understand why most people hate this movie for one very specific reason. But the difference between those people and myself is I immerse myself in these types of movies a lot more than they do. I live for survival type movies and I've seen every shark movie ever made. So when a movie like Open Water 2 comes along and breaks the predictable pattern of these movies I applaud. I gave this movie a standing ovation for completely deceiving me! The greatness of this movie is only due to its after-the-fact title, Open Water 2. It would not have succeeded with any other title in my opinion. If you have no idea what I'm talking about and wish to be completely spoiled then read on...

Synopsis: A weekend cruise aboard a luxury yacht goes horribly awry for a group of old high school friends who forget to lower the ladder before they jump into the ocean for a swim. The boat proves impossible to climb, leaving them adrift miles from shore. What started as a joyful reunion becomes a fight for survival!

People complain left and right that shark movies are all the same. So here you have a movie that is set up beautifully to be a standard shark movie. Six drunken hotties stranded in the water. Dozens of creepy underwater camera shots. Blood. Panic. "Something just brushed my leg!" The movie keeps you on the edge of your seet waiting for the sharks to come and claim their first meal. Will it be the ditzy blonde? The minor male character whose name you never picked up on? The mother with the baby? Well...certainly not her...right?
So what makes this movie so different then? Revealing this would give away the entire movie so i'll save it for the spoiler section.

Cast:

Dan (Eric Dane) and Michelle (Cameron Richardson). Dan invites some old friends and their partners for a birthday bash on his own yacht. But it's actually not his yacht and he's playing up this millionaire persona to appear successful to his old friends. Michelle has been in his life for a whole two weeks.

Zach (Niklaus Lange) and Lauren (Ali Hillis). Zach is celebrating his 30th birthday. Lauren is an athlete and there appears to be some sort of past or present relationship between her and Zach.



Amy (Susan May Pratt) and James (Richard Speight Jr) have a baby girl named Sarah who is also on board the boat. Amy has a phobia of the water ever since her father drowned when she was a child. Bringing herself and her baby on board a yacht is terribly frightening for her.

Click here for Spoilers

First Victim: Michelle. When James hits his head and Zach gets stabbed with a knife lots of blood spreads throughout the water. Michelle gets scared of possible sharks and swims off only to drown from exhaustion.

Second Victim: Zach. He dies from a knife wound.

Third Victim: James. He dies from a serious bump on the head from hitting his head under the yacht. Possibly a skull fracture.

Presumed Victims: Lauren and Dan. Lauren decides to swim for shore and once she heads off she's never seen again. Dan may or may not be dead at the end after Amy rescues him.

Survivors: Amy and possibly Dan. (and of course Sarah the baby, who was left on the boat, survives).

The unintentional twist, which I highly appreciate and respect, is there are no sharks in this movie. The movie was marketed as a shark movie. It was partly edited as a shark movie. You expect sharks to attack and kill these people because it's like Jaws. Now it's this aspect alone which makes me love this movie. I'm not even weighing in things like acting or plot and all that jazz. As a fan of Survival movies, the unexpected twist (letdown?) of Open Water 2 is a nice breath of fresh air among all movies of the genre. That's why I like it as much as I do, and I wish people would get over the fact that there are no sharks, take a step back and appreciate the irony.

And let's face it, if there were sharks and they predictably ate people one by one wouldn't that get shot down by critics as being predictable and the same old shit again and again? This is finally something different so hats off to whoever decided to call this Open Water 2.