The trailers made it clear that this was a Survivor Movie so I had to check it out. I wound up skipping work and seeing it the first day in theaters (today). That makes me feel like such a monster movie nerd. I quite enjoyed the movie for what it is. The reviews seem to shred the movie apart due to the lack of gore and nudity. For me, that's not why I love these types of movies. This genre and blog probably make me come across as some sick f*ck who gets off at watching people die, when that's not really the truth. I'm a huge fan of Survivor the TV show (hence the logo) where obviously nobody dies. It's hard to explain my interest in these "Ten Little Indians" chain of event type stories where players get eliminated one by one. Anyway, as a survivor movie fan first, monster movie fan second, Shark Night 3D left me satisfied. What's even greater is that I am typing this as I watch Shark Tank ;)
The guys who are so upset there are no titties in this film should just stick to porn. Anyway, let's meet the cast.
7 Friends
Nick is supposed to be nerdy and has trouble with the ladies. But once he takes off the shirt and glasses it's like (s)He's All That.
Sara is the cute blonde girl who has boy issues.
Malik is the jock and token African American.
Maya is Malik's girl friend, and noticeably Latino.
Gordon is the true dork of the group. A serious online gamer and clearly unsuccessful with women.
Beth is supposed to be the bad-ass/slutty girl. She has a tattoo!
Blake is the slutty guy who spray tans his entire body.
These seven friends and their dog ride to what appears to be an island on a lake. Oh and they don't get any cell phone service or have neighbors. All the cards are lined up for an hour long shark night ahead...in 3D.
The first near-death happens when a shark bumps Malik off his water board. The others find him swimming ashore and one arm missing. They freak and try to call for help, but oh no - they don't have cell phone service, remember? They decide to take him directly to a hospital on the boat. So Nick, Sara and Maya set off with nearly unconscious Malik, who's losing a lot of blood, on the boat. The still hungry shark follows the boat and rams it so hard that Maya falls out. She doesn't make it back to the boat alive and becomes the first person eaten off the island.
Their boat breaks down (and blows up) so Nick, Sara and Malik wind up back at the lake house. At this point the characters realize they should not be in the water. Shark deaths are an easy problem to solve. Enter the shady sheriff and his two cohorts, Dennis and Red. These are the guys who have brought the sharks to this lake with the sole intention on filming them eat people. They arrive to the rescue but pre-med student Nick suggests they don't move Malik, who's still losing a lot of blood. So Beth and Gordon decide to travel with Dennis and Red on their boat back to the mainland to...get a doctor or something. Little do they know they have just fallen into the men's trap. Later that night they stop, and Dennis forces Gordon into the water at gunpoint. Gordon refuses, so Dennis shoots him and throws him in the water. Gordon manages to swim away from the sharks and climb a tree to safety. Did you know there are 350 different species of sharks? Apparently, some of those can fly because one jumps out of the water and grabs Gordon out of the tree and proceeds to munch on him. Gordon, the sharks have spoken.
Meanwhile, the sheriff is back on the island with Nick, Sara, Blake and Malik. Malik learns that his girlfriend is dead. This makes him go a bit psycho and he walks out into the lake with a spear intending to kill the shark. And surprisingly he does kill a shark, a hammer head shark to be exact. Not the same shark that attacked them earlier. They pull the sharks body up out of the lake and find the digital video cam attached to its underbelly...strange. Back out on the boat, Dennis and Red are now planning to feed Beth to a bunch of cookie cutter sharks. The cameras start rolling and the sharks start biting. Beth, it's time for you to go.
Blake finds a jet-ski and after waiting too long for help to come, he decides to take Malik back himself. Malik is again somewhat unconscious from his wounds inflicted during the hammer head battle. As the two guys are flying across the lake, Malik notices a shark chasing them so he sacrifices himself to the shark so Blake can continue on. Malik dies, and as Blake circles back and continues on, another shark approaches the jet ski from the front. And like freed Willy, the shark flies out of the water right into Blake's pretty face. In a surprising double-boot, both boys have foolishly eliminated themselves.
5 down, 2 to go. By this point Sara has revealed to Nick that she had a rocky past with Dennis and that he might be out to kill her. Funny that, it's true and Sara overhears Red telling the sheriff that they killed the tattooed girl. The 3 men drug Nick, Sara and their dog and take them out to feed to the fishies. The sheriff attempts to drop Nick into a swarm of starving sharks, but Nick outwits and outplays him by igniting a conveniently spilled can of gasoline with his conveniently pocketed lighter. Nick then outlasts the sheriff by knocking him into the water first. The sheriff becomes the 6th person to be masticated off the island. That's not counting that blonde bikini-less girl in the opening scene.
The number of players remaining increases from 2 to 4 as now Dennis and Red are viable shark treats. The men have taken Sara and the dog out on their boat to feed 'em to an even bigger shark just let out of her holding pen. But before they can carry on, Nick arrives with a gun. Dennis flings a knife at Nick, but it winds up stabbing Red in the back - err I mean front. Red is dead and Dennis jumps into the water with Sara drowning in a metal cage. This is an interesting strategic move by Dennis because he's vulnerable and Sara is safe in the cage. The shark attacks and kills Dennis and then tries to break through the cage to Sara. Nick swims down with a spear and kills the shark with one swift jab.
The survivors are Nick, Sara and the dog.
