Chernobyl Diaries - Live Shit Cast

Today I am watching Chernobyl Diaries. This looks like a Survivor Movie to me. This time i'm trying something new - I'm blogging my thoughts as I watch the movie.

I don't know any of the characters names (yet) so I will describe them as such:
-The main guy
-The main guy's girlfriend (brunette)
-The main guy's younger brother
-The brother's girlfriend (blonde)

The group is vacationing in Europe. They plan to go to Moscow but the main guy suggests Chernobyl instead. Some sort of "extreme vacationing"?

They go and meet some bulky Russian guy who will be their tour guide. The group is now 5 people, until in walks another couple (beard and blonde #2), both with "DEAD" already written on their foreheads. So the total group is 7 people. That's a good number of people for a Survivor movie!

My early predictions: I think they will all die except the main guy's girlfriend (the brunette). This is a pretty recent film, so I think the trend lately has been to kill everyone but the main girl. Even though the main guy seems to be first billed, he reminds me of the main guy in The Ruins. A bit too excited and curious. And you know the tale about the cat. OBVIOUSLY the first 3 to die will be bulky Russian guy and the last-minute couple (beard and blonde #2). Then the other blonde (brother's girlfriend) and main guy will die *shockingly*. Younger brother might live only because he's likeable? But he's a male so the audience shouldn't care if he dies. Let's see if the writers decide to bore us or delight us...Sorry, but I already have pessimistic expectations looking at this cast.
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OMG BEAR!!!
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Wait, I forget is this supposed to be a zombie movie? I vaguely remember the trailers a year or two ago. Well, they're out of gas and stuck in Chernobyl. Let the games begin!
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The main guy is definitely going to die. He's being an asshole, *sigh*. I roll my eyes thinking of the writers thinking they are piecing together some brilliant piece of shit where they can make a character into an asshole to justify killing them. How original. The brain dead audience (it's an American film, right?) should be appeased.
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Yep. the first to die is the bulky Russian guy (Yuri is his name). The younger brother (AKA the only male with a chance of surviving) is now bitten by something so he might be a goner. Will turn into something later. Dogs?
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At this point I would safely say no men are surviving this movie. But it's OK, the writers will make sure at least one of the pretty girls makes it back home safely, so American audiences can sleep at night. Seriously at this point the women have said practically nothing and had no interesting development. If that's the way it goes I will be uber pissed. The only salvaging point will be to kill them all (hmmm I've found myself saying that many times before).
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The brunette girl is being ultra sensible, smart and boring. She's the final survivor ya'll. Called it. Wake me up when someone makes an interesting survivor movie.
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The main guy and main girl decide to go out looking for Yuri. Then the bearded guy (remember, he has DEAD written on his forehead) decides to go with them. BAHahahahahahaha doesn't he know he's just asking to die? Maybe this is a comedy.
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Oh no the brunette girl who is the closest thing to our typical main girl/heroine is in trouble! *fucking gag*
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Younger brother's leg is injured (from the bite earlier) so he and his blonde girlfriend decide to stay back in the van while blonde #2 (DEAD forehead) decides to join the others.
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Ahh god damn DEBRIS!!!
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Yes, yes, yes. Dogs chasing. Uh oh, beard and blonde #2 are trailing. She's in the water! Beard jumps in to save her but now he hurt his leg. Everyone survives the scene. Man, they are really dragging out the inevitable death of beard and blonde #2. I don't disapprove. Could it be...? Nah.
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Oooooooooohhh. They make it back to the van to discover that the younger brother and his blondie are missing. And there's blood. Plus two points for possibly killing them off before DEAD foreheads. So far that's a solid 2/5 rating so far. Let's see if they keep it up.
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Nope. The blonde girlfriend is alive and not even injured. Point deduction.
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The movie did just kill off the only male character who had a shot at surviving. Normally I am ecstatic since the writers went out of order, but of course, shockingly killing a male character is always "OK." Shock value scores. Dumb American audiences can still sleep. Win/Win. Fuck this movie.
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Zippity do, blonde girlfriend who was found OK goes next. Reward the point back? Nope, she became predictable fodder when they first fake killed her. That's how you lose points. Pretend kill someone unpredictably. No. Afterwards, the beard and blonde #2 (dead foreheads) finally die. So alas, we are down to our main guy and main brunette girl as the final 2. There were a couple bumps, but I called this (as did 99% of the audience, it's not like I'm some wizard). Now let me just get through this inevitable pukefest ending as they justify killing the main male character and the girl rides off into the sunset alive. I'm getting the "Fuck this movie" text into my clipboard.
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Enforcement arrives in hazmat suits. Oh they are infected.
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Yep, main guys' dead and the main girl is kept alive for some reason. I wonder what that reason is? Oh yea, fuck this movie. They ended this movie just like The Ruins - the script calls for everyone to die but they just can't do it. They must leave some hope for the stupid American audiences who need the main girl OK at the end so they can go on with their lives.
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This brunette girl is hardly even a main female character!!! Compared to a Ripley, a Julie or a Laurie Strode she was nothing. Yet she gets to be the final survivor because horror writers don't know how to do anything different? If these movies were real there would be a surplus of somewhat-attractive, brunette girls in their 20's, because apparently they always get to survive. When there is a survivor.
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Fuck this movie. And everyone involved. All guilty by association. Fuck this movie.

House of the Dead

Bro, check it out - Seriously huge rave on Zombie Island tonight! Seriously! A bunch of us are going over there. Why do they call it "Zombie Island?" Dunno. Think we should ask? Directed by the cult classic, Uwe Boll.

There's a big rave on an island off Seattle. Captain Kirk calls it "La Isla De Muerte"...lol, wasn't that used in Lost World? The movie features a lot of zombie ass-kicking in true video game style. When some of the characters die, their screen even goes red just like in the game. At first, there's an entire mob of people presumably killed at the rave. Then the movie picks up following a small batch of survivors (Rudy, Liberty, Hugh) along with a group of late-comers (Greg, Simon, Alicia, Cynthia, Karma). Plus there's a captain, skipper and a zombie-hunting police officer and we have ourselves a cast. Let the games begin!

Ding, Ding, Round 1!

Ravers Matt & Johanna (plus dozens of others) die in the opening 20 minutes. Matt and Johanna wander off to the lake to go skinny dipping. As Matt bashfully decides not to get naked, a zombie offs him off-screen. Johanna turns around and goes looking for Matt and ultimately gets killed too off-screen. We then see another anonymous couple having sex in the woods right before getting attacked and killed off-screen.

Skipper Salish is wandering around alone in the woods when he gets attacked and killed off-screen.

Off-screen zombie killings: 5++


Ding, Ding, Round 2!

The late comers have arrived to the island via boat, only to find the rave has been ravished. But that doesn't stop Greg and his girlfriend Cynthia from initiating sex. While Greg runs off to pee first, Cynthia is swarmed by zombies and bitten.

The other late comers bump into the last survivors of the rave and then find Greg trapped in the porta-john. When out of nowhere, Zombie Cynthia springs from the woods, and snaps Hugh's neck before being shot by Casper. We hardly knew anything about Hugh except that he had a video camera.

Round 3. The survivors flee to the coast to escape, but find that Captain Kirk's boat is already overtaken by zombies. Kirk, himself, is safe on land when everyone is attacked. Kirk gets bitten and Simon gets burned in the cheek by zombie spit. Later, Casper decides to go elsewhere for help and she takes Greg along with her. Greg doesn't survive the journey.

Round 4. The zombie battle of all zombie battles. This round is just relentless with shotguns, karate kicks and plenty of Matrix slo-mos. During the attack, Liberty, the red, white and blue little Asian chick, succumbs to zombie bites. And Casper gets her legs ripped off as they finally enter an actual house in this movie. Hopefully it's the house of dead.

Round 5. They've made it into the house. Captain Kirk takes a 2nd bite and decides to sacrifice himself with a stick of dynamite. The remaining four survivors wander through the labyrinth where they are attacked by pirates, oh wait, I mean zombies. Simon decides to be a hero and sacrifice himself so the others may escape.

The final three escape down more dark hallways when more zombies try to eat...or bite them. The writers decide that yet another character should sacrifice themselves so Karma screams for the others to GO as her futile attempts at fighting get her killed.

Final round. Rudy and Alicia (ex-lovers) have escape the house that they escaped into earlier. Then I think there's a sword fight (?) between Alicia and a zombie and the zombie impales Alicia right through the center of her chest. She should be dead at this point, but test audiences must have wanted a female to survive the movie so in the voice over we here a vague remark that she might not be dead.

Rudy is basically the sole survivor. He actually tells us this at the beginning of the film, that everyone but him died.

In a Survivor movie it's a big no-no to reveal who survives at the beginning, regardless of how predictable it is otherwise. So for that I give House of Dead just 2 torches.

Dawn of the Dead

I'm usually well aware of all current Survivor movies that have been made. If I can't make it to the theater to see them I'm pretty good at keeping them on the list in my head of "must see" movies once they hit dvd (checking the list now...I see Pandorum, A Perfect Getaway, Quarantine...check). However, I completely missed the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead. I can blame it on being very busy with college but I probably forgot about it because it was just another zombie movie. I've never been a huge fan of zombie films because 10 times out of 10 they fall into the Jaws category (or so I thought), and there are at least 10 made a year so I don't care very much to see every single one. I've seen a couple that I vaguely remember like maybe House of 1,000 Corpses? or House of the Dead? I do remember watching 28 Days Later and 30 Days of Night with Josh Hartnett because those were awesome. But still, zombie movies blend together in my opinion.

I picked up Dawn of the Dead for like 3.99, and it turned out to be 4 bucks well spent. The movie starts with about 5 people teaming up against a world gone zombie. They break into a mall for safety and meet up with 3 security guards. Later, they are joined by several other refugees and it becomes a battle for survival against the zombies. Each character we meet has a name and a bit of a story. It's a very roundabout cast of characters which lends itself well to being a better Survivor movie.


The zombie rules here are similar to most zombie films: don't get bitten! The zombie disease or whatever is blood-borne. I like that they just stick to the usual, expected rules for zombies, rather than try to make a more unique story. I'm aware this is a remake so thankfully they were restricted to follow these rules.



*SPOILERS* Below is the cast of characters in order of Survival *SPOILERS*

1. Ana (Sarah Polley) is a nurse and the lead character in Dawn of the Dead. Before boarding up in the mall with the others, Sarah witnesses her husband being bitten and turned into a zombie. She becomes sympathetic with those who are bitten and does not believe they should be killed (until they are actually zombies). Ana sort of falls in love with the lead male character, Michael, in a horror-movie kind of way (ya know, where the lead male and female are practically obligated to fall in love but it's never fully developed or all that believable). SURVIVAL STATUS: Survivor?
2. Kenneth (Ving Rhames) is a cop. He helps the group numerous times throughout the movie with his shooting skills, brute strength and heroism. He's tough but has a respectable demeanor. He befriends Andy, the guy stranded on top of a neighboring building. SURVIVAL STATUS: Survivor?
3. Terry (Kevin Zegers) is a mall security guard in training. He's one of three mall cops that Ana, Michael, Kenneth, Andre and Luda run into when they flee to the mall. Bart and CJ are the other two security guards. Terry is the "good cop" while CJ is the "bad cop." He crushes on Nicole and is determined to save her whenever she's in danger. He's also a bit of a perv as he likes to spy on the women through the security cameras. SURVIVAL STATUS: Survivor?
4. Nicole (Lindy Booth) has lost her mother and both her brothers to the zombie virus. She arrives at the mall with her father, Frank, aboard Norma's truck. She's emotionally a wreck at first and then has to deal with her father dying too. She cuddles up with Terry, and even becomes unrationally attached to the dog the group finds wandering the parking garage. Chips, the dog, is basically the last thing she has left in her world. SURVIVAL STATUS: Survivor?
5. Michael (Jake Weber) is one of the lead male characters. When we meet him he was travelling with a group of 7 others including Andre and Luda, and the other 5 are already dead. We're also told he was a father and his son is presumably also dead. Michael is unsympathetic regarding the bitten. Anyone bitten must be shot before they can turn into a zombie. This may make him seem like a villain but he's more of a rational leader than anything. He's the final casualty of the movie (that we witness) as he reveals to the others that he is bitten and must stay behind as the final 4 sail off towards a [hopeful] zombie-free island. It fits his character well that he sacrifices himself for the others because he wished the same on others when they were bitten. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead Zombie
6. CJ (Michael Kelly) is the lead security guard at the mall. He, Bart and Terry have sanctioned off a floor of the mall and do not want any others to invade their territory. When the others insist on entering their safe haven CJ becomes hostile and threatens to kill people who will not obey his orders. He's mostly concerned that outsiders may carry the zombie virus into the clean group of people around him. By the end of the movie, he transforms from selfish to selfless as he sacrifices himself by detonating an exposive gas tank killing many zombies. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
7. Steve (Ty Burrell) is the local anchorman. He was picked up by Norma in her truck. Steve is the smart ass of the bunch. We don't know if he has sex with Monica because they are an item, or if they're celebrating their last days on earth together. He forshadows his own death when he tells Ana "If I ever turn into one of those things you have my permission to kill me." After the bus he's on crashes and he escapes, a zombie bites him. A few minutes later Ana shoots him in the head. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead Zombie
8. Glen (R.D. Reid) is the random, forgettable old man that is part of the 8 or 9 group of people on Norma's truck. We never learn much about Glen but we do learn he might be a crossdresser as he's seen trying on women's high heels. We also don't see much of his death. He's on the second bus leaving the mall that flips over. After this accident we're told he is dead along with Monica. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
9. Monica (Kim Poirier) is the hot blonde that arrives with Steve, Nicole, Glen and several others on Norma's truck. We don't learn much about Monica except that she has a very naughty side as we see her trying on lingerie in a clothing boutique and having sex with Steve during the movie's down-time montage. Monica dies a gruesome death when the bus she's on crashes. The group was using chainsaws to knock zombies off the side of the buses, but during the crash, Glen falls over and by accident the chainsaw he's holding rips down into Monica's chest. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
10. Tucker (Boyd Banks) arrives with Norma and her truck full of survivors. We learn he has an ankle injury, which is suspected to be a zombie bite, but he insists it is not. Tucker tags along with a group of the guys who travel through the sewers beneath the mall to quietly escape and rescue Nicole. But during the return he's the last back into the sewer and the zombies swarm him. Upon request, CJ shoots him in the head. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
11. Andy (Bruce Bohne) is an owner of a gunshop that is across the street from the mall. Andy is seen stranded on the roof and he communicates with the main cast of characters via marker boards. He befriends Kenneth and the two play chess and playfully snipe zombies down on the ground. He runs out of food in his gunshop so the others load some onto the back of Chips the dog. But while Chips enters Andy's gunshop, some zombies also leak in and bite Andy. Andy then becomes a zombie and Kenneth is forced to kill him later when the group makes it over to his building. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead Zombie
12. Norma (Jayne Eastwood) is the heroic old truck driver that rescued Glen and several others. She drives them to the mall where they meet up with the rest of the cast. She walks in on Andre and Luda in the children's clothing store where she sees that Luda has become a zombie. By instinct, Norma shoots Luda in the head. In return, Andre shoots and kills her too but not before she fires off a few rounds at him. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
13. Andre (Mekhi Phifer) is introduced traveling with Michael when they run into Kenneth and Ana. He is a father-to-be and he's very protective of his pregnant wife Luda and their child who is also with them. After Luda gets bitten by a zombie in the mall, he tries to hide the fact from the others because he doesn't want them to kill her. So he hides her in the children's clothing store bound to a bed in hopes of still delivering his child. Luda does eventually give birth but it's too late and the baby is already zombified. Andre is shot by Norma after Norma shoots Luda and he shoots Norma. The others then kill the baby upon discovery. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
14. Luda (Inna Korobkina) is Andre's pregnant Russian wife. After entering the mall she receives a tiny bite on her arm from one of the few zombies found there. At first, this is no big deal, but once the cast learns the after effects of a bite, Andre hides her so that nobody can see her turning into a zombie. When she does turn into one she is tied down to a bed or something so she can't bite anyone (while still pregnant). Norma runs into the couple and kills Luda out of fear. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead Zombie
15. Bart (Michael Barry) is one of the 3 mall security guards. He is viewed as CJ's sidekick, AKA asshole junior. We don't learn much about Bart except that he likes fat chicks. He gets swarmed and killed by zombies when he, Michael, CJ and Kenneth adventure into the mall's parking garage for reasons I forget. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead
16. Frank (Matt Frewer) is one of the two bitten survivors who arrive at the mall on Norma's truck. He is Nicole's father. The group soon learns the fate of all those who are bitten and Michael orders that Frank be killed because he's a threat to the rest. There's controversy over this decision, but ultimately Frank agrees. Kenneth waits for Frank to turn over before finally killing him. SURVIVAL STATUS: Dead Zombie
17. Bloated Woman. In addition to Frank, there is another bitten victim aboard Norma's truck. This unidentified, and grossly bloated, woman is much further along in the zombie transforming process. She becomes a zombie and is quickly killed by Ana. I guess we should count her as the first official victim of the core cast of characters in the mall, despite the very small part.