Chernobyl Diaries - Live Shit Cast

Today I am watching Chernobyl Diaries. This looks like a Survivor Movie to me. This time i'm trying something new - I'm blogging my thoughts as I watch the movie.

I don't know any of the characters names (yet) so I will describe them as such:
-The main guy
-The main guy's girlfriend (brunette)
-The main guy's younger brother
-The brother's girlfriend (blonde)

The group is vacationing in Europe. They plan to go to Moscow but the main guy suggests Chernobyl instead. Some sort of "extreme vacationing"?

They go and meet some bulky Russian guy who will be their tour guide. The group is now 5 people, until in walks another couple (beard and blonde #2), both with "DEAD" already written on their foreheads. So the total group is 7 people. That's a good number of people for a Survivor movie!

My early predictions: I think they will all die except the main guy's girlfriend (the brunette). This is a pretty recent film, so I think the trend lately has been to kill everyone but the main girl. Even though the main guy seems to be first billed, he reminds me of the main guy in The Ruins. A bit too excited and curious. And you know the tale about the cat. OBVIOUSLY the first 3 to die will be bulky Russian guy and the last-minute couple (beard and blonde #2). Then the other blonde (brother's girlfriend) and main guy will die *shockingly*. Younger brother might live only because he's likeable? But he's a male so the audience shouldn't care if he dies. Let's see if the writers decide to bore us or delight us...Sorry, but I already have pessimistic expectations looking at this cast.
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OMG BEAR!!!
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Wait, I forget is this supposed to be a zombie movie? I vaguely remember the trailers a year or two ago. Well, they're out of gas and stuck in Chernobyl. Let the games begin!
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The main guy is definitely going to die. He's being an asshole, *sigh*. I roll my eyes thinking of the writers thinking they are piecing together some brilliant piece of shit where they can make a character into an asshole to justify killing them. How original. The brain dead audience (it's an American film, right?) should be appeased.
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Yep. the first to die is the bulky Russian guy (Yuri is his name). The younger brother (AKA the only male with a chance of surviving) is now bitten by something so he might be a goner. Will turn into something later. Dogs?
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At this point I would safely say no men are surviving this movie. But it's OK, the writers will make sure at least one of the pretty girls makes it back home safely, so American audiences can sleep at night. Seriously at this point the women have said practically nothing and had no interesting development. If that's the way it goes I will be uber pissed. The only salvaging point will be to kill them all (hmmm I've found myself saying that many times before).
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The brunette girl is being ultra sensible, smart and boring. She's the final survivor ya'll. Called it. Wake me up when someone makes an interesting survivor movie.
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The main guy and main girl decide to go out looking for Yuri. Then the bearded guy (remember, he has DEAD written on his forehead) decides to go with them. BAHahahahahahaha doesn't he know he's just asking to die? Maybe this is a comedy.
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Oh no the brunette girl who is the closest thing to our typical main girl/heroine is in trouble! *fucking gag*
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Younger brother's leg is injured (from the bite earlier) so he and his blonde girlfriend decide to stay back in the van while blonde #2 (DEAD forehead) decides to join the others.
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Ahh god damn DEBRIS!!!
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Yes, yes, yes. Dogs chasing. Uh oh, beard and blonde #2 are trailing. She's in the water! Beard jumps in to save her but now he hurt his leg. Everyone survives the scene. Man, they are really dragging out the inevitable death of beard and blonde #2. I don't disapprove. Could it be...? Nah.
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Oooooooooohhh. They make it back to the van to discover that the younger brother and his blondie are missing. And there's blood. Plus two points for possibly killing them off before DEAD foreheads. So far that's a solid 2/5 rating so far. Let's see if they keep it up.
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Nope. The blonde girlfriend is alive and not even injured. Point deduction.
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The movie did just kill off the only male character who had a shot at surviving. Normally I am ecstatic since the writers went out of order, but of course, shockingly killing a male character is always "OK." Shock value scores. Dumb American audiences can still sleep. Win/Win. Fuck this movie.
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Zippity do, blonde girlfriend who was found OK goes next. Reward the point back? Nope, she became predictable fodder when they first fake killed her. That's how you lose points. Pretend kill someone unpredictably. No. Afterwards, the beard and blonde #2 (dead foreheads) finally die. So alas, we are down to our main guy and main brunette girl as the final 2. There were a couple bumps, but I called this (as did 99% of the audience, it's not like I'm some wizard). Now let me just get through this inevitable pukefest ending as they justify killing the main male character and the girl rides off into the sunset alive. I'm getting the "Fuck this movie" text into my clipboard.
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Enforcement arrives in hazmat suits. Oh they are infected.
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Yep, main guys' dead and the main girl is kept alive for some reason. I wonder what that reason is? Oh yea, fuck this movie. They ended this movie just like The Ruins - the script calls for everyone to die but they just can't do it. They must leave some hope for the stupid American audiences who need the main girl OK at the end so they can go on with their lives.
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This brunette girl is hardly even a main female character!!! Compared to a Ripley, a Julie or a Laurie Strode she was nothing. Yet she gets to be the final survivor because horror writers don't know how to do anything different? If these movies were real there would be a surplus of somewhat-attractive, brunette girls in their 20's, because apparently they always get to survive. When there is a survivor.
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Fuck this movie. And everyone involved. All guilty by association. Fuck this movie.