2001 Maniacs

One little gem of a survivor movie is the 2005 flop 2001 Maniacs. When I first saw 2001 Maniacs I quite enjoyed it. However, upon rewatching it recently to refresh my memory I realized that the movie is quite bad! The acting is far below average, the comedy is very American Pie-ish, and there isn't really any horror value. I can objectively take a step back and admit that this movie is pretty bad. But there's something about it that's endearing to me that I can't really explain (and no, it's not all the gratuitous nudity).

Synopsis: On the way to spring break, a group of college kids takes a detour through an old Southern town. The people of Pleasant Valley insist the kids stay for their annual barbecue celebration...but instead of getting a taste of the old South, the old South gets a taste of them!

That's a very cheesey synopsis. I can reword it to make the movie actually seem more interesting - without even making stuff up - this is actually what happens:

Better Synopsis: On the way down south for spring break, a group of college kids get lost and stumble upon, what appears to be, a Civil War re-enactment attraction. What they don't realize is that they are at an abandoned grave site for a small Southern town whose inhabitants were all slaughtered by the North during the Civil War. The supernatural locals take revenge upon the college yankees and will not let them leave alive.

My synopsis is a bit more spoilerish and could use some grammatical polishing but I think it sounds more interesting. If you like crude, racial and sexual humor (and can stomach awfully bad acting) then 2001 Maniacs may be up your alley. I will also say this movie is great for the methods in which the victims get killed!

Yankees:

Anderson Lee (Jay Gillespie)
"Ever hear of a 60 second romance? Got a minute?"




Nelson (Dylan Edrington)
"Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE civil war attractions?"




Cory (Matthew Carey)
"It was so wrong bro, but soo right. Southern style!"



Kat (Gina Marie Heekin)
"I'm Kat, as in pussy"



Joey (Marla Malcolm)
"Whenever you're finished you can come up for air."




Ricky (Brian Gross)
"You know what the only difference between a frat boy and a gay boy is? A 6 pack of beer."




Malcolm (Mushond Lee)
"When was the last time you been somewhere where there's no electricity, water, cable, or hot black bitches?"



Leah (Bianca Smith)
"I feel like we're at a confederate frat party"




Who dies and how (click)

First Victim: Kat. A southern boy gets kinky with Kat and ties her limbs to four horses. Whip, snap and splat her limbs get yanked off in each direction.


Second Victim: Nelson. Forced to drink some moonshine that is actually acid.



Third Victim: Leah. During a hoe-down, Granny Boone drops a giant bell on the "China woman"


Fourth Victim: Ricky. The bisexual yankee gets a spear rammed up his ass.



Fifth Victim: Cory. A southern belle (with jaws) performs some deadly oral on him.


Sixth Victim: Malcolm. Squished to death in a cotton press.



Final Victims: Anderson and Joey. They manage to escape on Malcolm's bike, but one last trap ends up slicing their heads off.


Survivors: None

Saw II

I loved Saw (number one). The twist at the end was probably one of my favorite movie twists of all time. The Saw movies in general are great just for the twists so long as you can stomach the grossness. And the amount of grossness only increases with each movie as the twist cleverness goes down, so.... What Saw 2 brings to the table, for me anyway, is the fact that it's the only Saw that classifies as a Survivor Movie. Eight people trapped in a booby-trap laden house have only 2 hours to live as they fight to survive. YES, YES, YES!

Synopsis: Jigsaw is back. The brilliant, disturbed mastermind returns for another round of horrifying life-or-death games. When a new murder victim is discovered with all the signs of Jigsaw's hand, Detective Eric Matthews begins a full investigation and apprehends Jigsaw with little effort. But for Jigsaw, getting caught is just another part of his plan. Eight more of his victims are already fighting for their lives and now it's time for Matthews to join the game...


Hello there. Play this video below and you will learn everything you need to know regarding who fails my little game, and who may survive to star in Saw 3.

Open Water 2

Open Water 2 is one of the best shark movies ever made! I'm serious. If you have any desire to see this movie then I recommend you do not continue to read my review because I won't be able to be completely spoiler free. The first Open Water movie will probably never wind up on this blog because, frankly, it's boring. Open Water 2 takes the premise of the first, triples the characters, quadruples the drama and then unfortunately removes one large element that leaves the movie exposed and vulnerable to critic attacks. By no means is this actually a "sequel"; it's just another movie with no connection to the first. Originally, it wasn't titled as a sequel, but due to its direct-to-DVD release they changed the name from, I believe, "Adrift" to "Open Water 2" in order to make more money. It was a very smart move that surprisingly I'm not upset over. I think it was ingenious. I am sure I am in the minority of viewers by saying this is a good shark movie. I completely understand why most people hate this movie for one very specific reason. But the difference between those people and myself is I immerse myself in these types of movies a lot more than they do. I live for survival type movies and I've seen every shark movie ever made. So when a movie like Open Water 2 comes along and breaks the predictable pattern of these movies I applaud. I gave this movie a standing ovation for completely deceiving me! The greatness of this movie is only due to its after-the-fact title, Open Water 2. It would not have succeeded with any other title in my opinion. If you have no idea what I'm talking about and wish to be completely spoiled then read on...

Synopsis: A weekend cruise aboard a luxury yacht goes horribly awry for a group of old high school friends who forget to lower the ladder before they jump into the ocean for a swim. The boat proves impossible to climb, leaving them adrift miles from shore. What started as a joyful reunion becomes a fight for survival!

People complain left and right that shark movies are all the same. So here you have a movie that is set up beautifully to be a standard shark movie. Six drunken hotties stranded in the water. Dozens of creepy underwater camera shots. Blood. Panic. "Something just brushed my leg!" The movie keeps you on the edge of your seet waiting for the sharks to come and claim their first meal. Will it be the ditzy blonde? The minor male character whose name you never picked up on? The mother with the baby? Well...certainly not her...right?
So what makes this movie so different then? Revealing this would give away the entire movie so i'll save it for the spoiler section.

Cast:

Dan (Eric Dane) and Michelle (Cameron Richardson). Dan invites some old friends and their partners for a birthday bash on his own yacht. But it's actually not his yacht and he's playing up this millionaire persona to appear successful to his old friends. Michelle has been in his life for a whole two weeks.

Zach (Niklaus Lange) and Lauren (Ali Hillis). Zach is celebrating his 30th birthday. Lauren is an athlete and there appears to be some sort of past or present relationship between her and Zach.



Amy (Susan May Pratt) and James (Richard Speight Jr) have a baby girl named Sarah who is also on board the boat. Amy has a phobia of the water ever since her father drowned when she was a child. Bringing herself and her baby on board a yacht is terribly frightening for her.

Click here for Spoilers

First Victim: Michelle. When James hits his head and Zach gets stabbed with a knife lots of blood spreads throughout the water. Michelle gets scared of possible sharks and swims off only to drown from exhaustion.

Second Victim: Zach. He dies from a knife wound.

Third Victim: James. He dies from a serious bump on the head from hitting his head under the yacht. Possibly a skull fracture.

Presumed Victims: Lauren and Dan. Lauren decides to swim for shore and once she heads off she's never seen again. Dan may or may not be dead at the end after Amy rescues him.

Survivors: Amy and possibly Dan. (and of course Sarah the baby, who was left on the boat, survives).

The unintentional twist, which I highly appreciate and respect, is there are no sharks in this movie. The movie was marketed as a shark movie. It was partly edited as a shark movie. You expect sharks to attack and kill these people because it's like Jaws. Now it's this aspect alone which makes me love this movie. I'm not even weighing in things like acting or plot and all that jazz. As a fan of Survival movies, the unexpected twist (letdown?) of Open Water 2 is a nice breath of fresh air among all movies of the genre. That's why I like it as much as I do, and I wish people would get over the fact that there are no sharks, take a step back and appreciate the irony.

And let's face it, if there were sharks and they predictably ate people one by one wouldn't that get shot down by critics as being predictable and the same old shit again and again? This is finally something different so hats off to whoever decided to call this Open Water 2.

The Cave

The Cave is a pretty standard Survivor Movie. Nine people adventure down into some dangerous, beautifully-lit cave system in Romania. There they run into trouble in the form of giant, slimey bat-like creatures that chase them back to the surface. But - oh no! The cave entrance has collapsed and they can't escape through the same way they entered. That's pretty much the only plot point ever used in cave movies, but that's not all there is to this movie. The Cave does at least give us a cool sci-fi twist which leads to a head-scratching ending.

Synopsis: Deep in the Romanian forest, a team of scientists stumbles upon the ruins of a 13th-century abbey. On further inspection, they make a startling discovery - the abbey is built over the entrance to a giant underground cave system. Local biologists believe the cave could be home to an undiscovered ecosystem, so they hire a group of American cave explorers to help them investigate its depths. But what they find deep inside the caves is not just a new ecosystem, but an entirely new species altogether.
Ok, so i've already ruined it; the exploration team runs into these giant bat-like creatures that kill them off one by one. But this should not have come as much of a surprise. I think most people will tell you that this movie is horrible. I agree that the acting is sub par, and the drama/suspense doesn't make any sense at times. But something about this movie places it high on my list and I think it's the overall adventure with the formulaic Survivor element thrown in. The Cave is the epitome of a traditional Survivor Movie. The acting could have been better, but my one complaint is the missing explanation of why the [deep underground] caves are so beautifully lit! Seriously, the caves have this luminescent blue glow all around. I have read the book Subterranean by James Rollins, which is similar in plot. In Subterranean, Rollins makes an effort to point out that the caves are covered with this luminescent fungus stuff that provides an erie glow throughout. The movie is missing this and I think most skeptics wonder the whole time, "who turned on the lights?" Which is funny because the whole movie is science fiction yet we still require some things remain believable and explainable.

Explorers:

Jack (Cole Hauser) the leader of the cave explorers. He's credited for inventing a rebreather that can last 24 hours, which will help explain how they can last so long down in the caves.


Tyler (Eddie Cibrian) is Tyler's brother. He's better looking and more likeable, so i'd place your bets on him.



Charlie (Piper Perabo) is a daddy's little rock climber show-off. A female rock climber who looks like this is destined for a movie role.



Briggs (Rick Ravanello) is a rough 'n tough cave diver. We learn the group discovered him on the dance floor?



Top Buchanan (Morris Chestnut) is 4 words: Remains Calm Under "Pressure"




Dr. Kathryn Jennings (Lena Headey) is a cave biologist.




Dr. Nikolai (Marcel Lures) is a cave biologist from Romania.




Strode (Kieran Darcy-Smith) is a sonar expert.




Alex Kim (Daniel Dae Kim) is a camera man hired to film the exploration.


Movie Clip:



Click here for Spoilers

First Victim: Strode. He separates from the group while scubaing through an underwater passage way. When he surfaces he's alone in a cavern where he's attacked and killed from a cave monster.

Second Victim: Dr. Nikolai. When the group goes down the rock water slide (ala The Goonies!) he gets injured and taken under by a cave monster.

Third Victim: Charlie. She eagerly scales a rock wall until she runs into a cave monster up top. She jumps across to an adjacent wall but the cave monster follows and slashes her to death.

Fourth Victim: Briggs. Killed from a cave monster after the final 6 split into two groups of three.

Fifth Victim: Alex. While running from a flying cave monster, a stalactite falls and stabs him through his leg. He falls and the cave monster swoops in for the kill.

Sixth Victim: Jack. Earlier Jack is cut from a cave monster and slowly he is becoming one of them (the movie twist!). He dies fighting other cave monsters at the end so the others can escape.

Survivors: Tyler, Top and Kathryn. The twist is that if the cave virus gets into your blood stream you will begin mutating into the cave monster. Kathryn escapes with a cut and we learn she is infected with the virus. DUN DUN DUN.

Alien vs. Predator

My expectations of Alien Vs. Predator went up and down. I was excited at first. I am a huge fan of the Alien movies. Predator is good but I don't even own it. As I was about to see Alien Vs. Predator I realized...."Ummmm this is gonna suck. There's now way they can do a 'VS' movie and make it work. It'll just be ridiculous and embarassing and everyone will hate it!" But needless to say, I found AVP to be extremely well done. There's really nothing wrong with it in terms of being a movie about predators vs aliens. If you went in expecting something else then you're a fool. The backstory may be a bit hoaky but do realize, again, that it's a movie about predators fighting aliens. I think it's the best damn movie about predators fighting aliens ever made!

Synopsis: It may be our planet but it's their war! The deadliest creatures from the scariest sci-fi movies ever made face off for the first time on film. The incredible adventure begins when the discovery of an ancient pyramid buried in Antarctica sends a team of scientists and adventurers to the frozen continent. There, they make an even more terrifying discovery: two alien races engaged in the ultimate battle. Whoever wins...we lose.

What I adore about this movie is the adventure-bound team. It's my favorite ingredient in a Survivor Movie. Weyland Industries discover a temple hidden deep under the ice. They don't really have any reason to dig down and explore this temple, they're just curious explorers. They take everything very seriously. The archeologists can't determine if the temple is Aztec, Mayan or what, but what they soon learn is that it's a temple used for a great hunt. The humans then provide a breeding ground for the Aliens and the Predators are there on a hunting trip. Yea, something like that.

Cast:

Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan) is an environmental guide and ice climber hired to lead the team through the ice.


Charles Weyland (Lance Henriksen) is the founder of Weyland Industries. Noteably, this is the character that the android Bishop from Aliens was modeled after (same actor).

Max Stafford (Colin Salmon) is Weyland's assistant and organizes the expedition.



Sebastian (Raoul Bova) is an archeaology professor. He's there to provide insight on ancient pyramids.


Miller (Ewen Bremner) is a chemical engineer along to help scientifically date the discoveries.


Thomas (Sam Troughton) is an archeologist able to translate hieroglyphics.



Quinn (Carsten Norgaard) is the cool drilling team leader.



Verheiden (Tommy Flanagan) is a novel member of the exploration team.



Rousseau (Agathe De la Boulaye) is a member of the exploration team just bursting with energy.


Connors (Joseph Rye) is a member of the exploration team who enjoys sticky situations.


Stone (Petr Jakl) is a rising member of the exploration team.



Bass (Pavel Bezoek) is the bullseye of the exploration team.



Plus there are about 8 more unidentifiable people who aren't worth mentioning.

Movie Clip:



Click here for Spoilers

First Victims: Quinn and his 4-member drilling team stay topside as the rest of the explorers go deep under the ice towards the temple. Quinn and his team get slaughtered by Predators.

Second Victims: Rousseau, Thomas and a small team get trapped in the Alien "sacrificial chamber." They all get impregnated by the Alien pods and die when the Aliens burst from their chests.

Next Victim: Stone. A Predator snags him around the neck.

Next Victim: Bass. A Predator throws a spear through his chest.

Next Victim: Connors. Trapped in a dark tunnel, he's attacked and killed by an Alien.

Next Victim: Verheiden. Captured and killed by an Alien.

Next Victim: Max. A Predator snares him in a razor sharp net then impales him with a spear.

Next Victim: Weyland. Stabbed by a Predator.

Next Victim: Miller. He was captured by an Alien earlier, but now he's seen cocooned and jumped by Alien pods killing him as a host.

Next Victim: Sebastian. He's captured and impregnated by an Alien. Lex shoots him at his request.

Survivor: Lex (Alexa)

Winner: Predator? Predators win but then an Alien bursts from the last predators chest aboard the predator ship, thus leading into the sequel.

Alien vs Predator Tally: It's hard to get an exact human body count because we don't know exactly how many people are killed cataloging the sacrificial chamber (see Second Victims). I estimate it to be about 9 human deaths caused by Predators, and 9 human deaths caused by Aliens.

The Eliminator

Seven people. One Island. Hunted Alive. One Winner.

*orgasms*

Synopsis: Ex-Navy SEAL, Dakota Varley risks his life when he is chosen to be a "contestant" in a 10 million dollar winner-take-all hunt to the death. To win this ultimate game of survival, you just have to be the last man remaining alive. Fighting for his life in a jungle as dangerous as the hunters he faces, Varley must call upon all the training he has ever known, but still, nothing has ever prepared him for this. In this game of survival, you can't get voted off the island, you can only die there...

*Spoiler Alert* the most dangerous thing found in this "jungle" might be poison ivy.

The Eliminator is not a good movie. It's so bad that it's a GREAT movie! I was entertained through every minute. The hilariously bad acting from Paul Logan is B-Movie gold. It's topped off by the so over-the-top acting from G. Anthony Joseph (he's not one of the contestants). Most of the "actors" in this movie are stunt doubles and they even include a UFC fighter. Fans of horribly great B-movies will love The Eliminator.

The Eliminator came out three years before The Condemned. The only difference between both movies is this features contestants being hunted, whereas in The Condemned they must kill each other. The Condemned was probably better just due to the fact that The Eliminator was straight to DVD. Everything else feels pretty much the same right down to the music played on the DVD menu.

The game of survival features 7 people captured against their will to be hunted alive on an "island" (The "island" is only an island from the CGI aerial shots). Each hunter is only given two bullets. Each contestant's survival is being gambled on by a group of big-shot millionaires. Chances are the winning contestant will not get a dime as we learn in the opening scene that the diabolical man running this, Miles Dawson (Michael Rooker), does not like to pay up. The stakes are high for the rich gamblers because once their contestant is eliminated, they lose their bets. While there's a lot of neck-snapping action down on the island, the gamblers get busy snapping at each other with insults and conspiracy theories.

Contestants:

Jesse Jenkins (Paul Logan). He's a Kendo Expert and a DEA from Central America. He got sold out on the job and captured to compete.




Santha Torres (Danielle Burgio). She's a freedom fighter who trains men and women to kill. She's also a rebel insurgent and an expert at Guerrilla warfare. Not to mention she claims she killed 14 men before they could capture her. (wow, this is hilarious!)


Tonya Coyne (Vicki Phillips). A special forces drill instructor. She's an expert at hand-to-hand combat and explosives. It's Bazooka Barbie!




Seth Kwong (Phi-Long Nguyen). He's an undercover police officer and Wu Shu specialist. He was my pick for winner.




Darius Blake (Jamal Duff). He's a convict taken from a prison in Kosova. They couldn't find any other black guy I guess.




Salvador Montoya (Marco Ruas). He's a Medy Yeins drug cartel (a what?) and interrogator.




Dakota Varley (Bas Rutten). A desert storm Huey pilot according to his bio. An Ex-Navy SEAL according to the plot synopsis. So he's just simply amazing. He enjoys kickboxing, cage fighting and long walks on the beach.




Movie Clip:



Click here for Spoilers

First Victim: Seth. His neck is snapped almost immediately by Darius.

Second Victim: Salvador. He and Varley get into a UFC rematch fist brawl. Varley snaps Salvy's neck with the help of Jesse.

Third Victim: Tonya. The hunters finally arrive and snipe down Tonya during the night.

Fourth Victim: Santha. When Varley and Santha are engaging in some sort of dirty sex with their clothes on, Jesse clubs Santha from behind with a stick. She had a knife and was about to kill Varley. Jesse gives the line: "You thought with the wrong head" (lol)

Fifth Victim: Darius. Darius shoots Jesse with his only bullet (taken from a hunter) then fights hand-to-hand with Varley. Varley wins and snaps Darius' neck. Jesse survives the bullet wound.

Survivors: Varley and Jesse. This cute bromance breaks into the hosts compound, kills a bunch of the baddies who set them up, and then ride off together in a helicopter.

This photo was taken from the Making-Of DVD Featurette. I think it explains everything...